| Mar. 20th, 2007 @ 10:49 am Because I watch far too much Star Trek... |
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Digest of Starfleet Quarterly Operations Briefing; Stardate 51218.4 (Starfleet Command, San Francisco, Earth)
1. A thorough survey of Starfleet mission logs has indicated that holodecks and holosuites work perfectly, 100% of the time, unless a member of the senior staff is using them. Therefore, effective immediately, senior staff at any Starfleet installation are forbidden from using any form of immersive VR entertainment device or system. With responsibility comes sacrifice.
2. Repair and modification time estimates made by Engineering departments to Command staff are routinely inflated to shocking degrees -- often more than 200% of the actual required time -- even in crisis situations. This is not the level of professionalism we expect of Starfleet personnel. Engineering department heads at every Starfleet installation are urged to address this issue in department-wide briefings without delay.
3. That said, we are pleased to report that the quality of the Engineering work product far surpasses any reasonable expectation. Crash-priority repairs and modifications, once completed, always fulfill the desired tasks with 100% effectiveness and their performance typically exceeds Starfleet specs in every area. This applies even to "jerry-rigged" rush jobs completed with inadequate materials and tools.
4. After a survey of official logs, Starfleet Science officers report that any two unusual events occurring within 52 hours of each other are always related. (For example, unexplained equipment failures following the discovery of a spatial anomaly or new alien species are always directly related to the behavior of said anomaly or species, however unlikely or just plain illogical such a connection may seem.) Furthermore, any widespread mysterious behavior among humanoid inhabitants or crew members can safely be assumed to always have one and only one cause, despite the great unlikelihood of the same stimulus affecting so many unrelated species in the same way.
5. Time estimates by Starfleet technical personnel -- with the above-mentioned exception for Engineering repair/modification schedules -- are frequently astoundingly accurate regardless of the circumstances or available information. If the Chief Medical Officer states that an injured crewman has "one hour, maybe two" left to live unless they reach a medical facility, Command can rest assured that popping the crewman into a biobed at 1:59:58 will result in a full recovery. If the Science Officer estimates that the star their crippled ship is orbiting will go nova "within 24 hours," Engineering may confidently use this entire duration to make repairs and get the ship underway, without worrying that the nova will occur in 6, 16, or 22 hours' time. "Human error" is a vanishingly rare phenomenon in Starfleet's technical branches when it comes to Wild-Ass Guesses.
6. Starfleet Medical reports a disturbing tendency for Starfleet personnel in general -- and Command personnel in particular -- to under-report or attempt to conceal symptoms of serious mental illness from both their assigned medical professionals and their commanding officers. Rather than ask to be relieved of duty or seek medical attention, Starfleet personnel are much more likely to dismiss abrupt, serious and unexplainable changes in mood, headaches without any obvious external cause, or even visual and/or auditory hallucinations. This tendency has been shown to seriously impact operational efficiency in all Starfleet installations, as well as jeopardizing lives and equipment on more than one occassion. Starfleet Medical urges that this problem be addressed at the highest levels without delay.
--- Ajax. |
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amused
disquieted
hungry
sleepy
mischievous
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